EUROPEAN CONFESSIONS

Chris Parnell: We're sitting here today with film star Natalie Portman.

Natalie Portman: Hello.

Parnell: So, Natalie, what's the day in life of Natalie Portman like?

Portman: Do you really want to know?

Parnell: Yes, tell us.

Portman: I don't sleep mother fucker
off that yak and bourbon
doin' 120 gettin head while I'm swervin

Seth Meyers: Damn Natalie you a crazy chick

Portman: Yo shut the fuck up and suck my dick
I'm bustin dudes mouth like gushers mother fucker
roll up on NBC and smack the shit outta Jeff Zucker

Guys: What you want Natalie
Portman: to drink and fight
Guys: what you need Natalie
Portman: to fuck all night

Don't test when i'm crazy on that airplane glue
put my foot down your throat
till you shit in my shoe
leave you screaming
pay for my dry cleaning
fuck you man
It's my name that he's screamin'

Parnell: I'm sorry Natalie, but are we to believe you condone driving while intoxicated?
Portman: I never said I was a role model.
Parnell: What about the kids that look up to you? Do you have a message for them?

Portman: All the kids lookin' up to me can suck a dick
It's portman mother fucker
drink till i'm sick
slit your throat
and poor nitrous down the hole
watch you laugh and cry
while I laugh, you die
and all the Jews
you know I'm talkin to you
Guys: we love you natalie
Portman: I wanna fuck you too!
P is for portman
P is for pound
i'll kill your fuckin dog for fun so don't push me

Parnell: Well, Natalie I'm surprised. All this from a Harvard graduate.
Portman: Well there's a lot you may not know about me.
Parnell: Really? Such as?

When I was in Harvard
I smoked weed every day
I cheated every test
and snorted all the yay
I gotta a def posse
and you gotta buncha dudes
I sit down on your face and take a shit!

Andy Samberg: Natalie you are a bad ass bitch (hell yah)
and I always pay for your dry cleanin
when my shit gets in your shoe
as for the drug use
well I can vouch for that
my dick is scared of you
girl

Parnell: Okie-doke. One final question, if you steal a smooch from any guy in Hollywood, who would it--

(Portman throws chair at Parnell)
Portman: No more questions
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courtesy of Matt Foell

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